Since, the crash, I’ve been physically recovering quicker than I ever thought! My wounds are healing up fast, my bruises are even healing fast, and slowly my muscles are un-tightening and I am getting more mobility back. After being cleared to ride the trainer yesterday, of course, I was eager to hop on. So, I spun very easy this morning, barely breaking a sweat, and it felt great!
After a one hour easy spin, and when I say easy, I mean I barely broke a sweat. I hopped off, and did my PT exercises for my ribs and shoulder. I thought to myself while on the trainer, well this was easy and SAFE. I hadn’t really started to think too much about my mental recovery, probably because that’s the part that scares me.
I remember lying in bed the other night, thinking, what other sport would I want to do as an adult? Could I give up triathlon? And honestly, I couldn’t think of one that I would want to do as intensely as triathlon. Not only that, but I LOVE to swim, bike, run. There is no way a crash is going to hold me back. But, then the thought of getting on my bike outside and descending seems natural and yet terrifying.
I KNOW I need to get back on my bike, and I know therapeutically, I need to go back to the exact place where I crashed and do that turn, and I can go as slow as I want, but I need to do it. I have to conquer this NEW f’ing fear I created for myself, and never had. FUDGE!!!!! I know exactly what I need to do, but it scares me. It TERRIFIES me. I know everyone else who’s crashed out there, have gotten back on their bikes, and moved past it, and so will I, but rarely do people talk about the mental recovery, mostly it’s just about physical. I CAN walk now with out a limp…my wounds are healing…I can finally take a normal shower…I can get on the bike on the trainer and spin…I have more mobility in my shoulder, etc. But my head? The mental state that is. Gosh, I hadn’t even thought about it, but I better start preparing myself, and coming up with a step by step way to get myself back on the road, because I have to get back out there. I want to get back out there. But, I don’t like the nightmares, and I don’t like the new found feeling I have when even thinking about descending or turning down a descent.